Despite your lack of blowing over, I’m always keeping faith.
“I’m going to the doctor in about an hour. I packed a bag, and I’ll call you if they admit me.”
How many times have I heard those god forsaken words? 30? 40? Hundreds?!
I feel awful for feeling this way about you. Resenting you so much. But how can a child respect a mother who is never there? Who has abandoned her hundreds of times? She cannot; it is not possible.
There is so much more that I want to write. Things racing through my skull; bouncing around like loose Tetris pieces. But I’m afraid to put it all into words.
Reality is too harsh, so I’ll let these beautiful thoughts fester under rocks in the warped fantasyland I have created.
I keep staring at your screen name; hoping you’ll IM me.
I really should give that up.
Although I don’t know your situation exactly and haven’t been in a situation even remotely close to it, I really do understand the abandonment. I haven’t experienced it to your level, but I’ve often felt resentful of my mother for not recognizing my problems and not doing much at all to help me until I feel it was too late. She’s taking care of me now, by getting me treatment, but sometimes I wish she had shown me the kind of nurturing I needed before, and the kind of understanding. It’s funny, she deals with borderline too, but she’s too blind to hers, and to mine, to really comprehend what’s going on. Self-denial’s a bitch.
I wish I was as eloquent as you in my blogs. You’re a beautiful writer, a beautiful person, and a beautiful girl. I really wish you could see that.
As for him—I understand that too. I do, really, but be very careful. I get dependent and needy on people who show me the nurturing and understanding and love I’ve always wanted, and it always ends badly for me. Enjoy what you have of him, (even if it’s not much at the moment—it might be in the future), but don’t waste your time dreaming about him, and be careful as to not to be hurt in the end. People are cruel, but I understand why you like him.
I would too.
